So it's been forever since i've posted anything. I have a habit of quitting things even if it is something i enjoy doing, like writing. 

It's summer. Almost August. This summer has been pretty fun. Ethan is growing like a weed. This has been one of the most fun summers ever. 

My cousin Lynette is living with me after a messy breakup, Ethan lives here for a week at a time. Tensions have gotten high, but when you're family that's just what happens. Things will get better as they always do. I just really miss sleeping without pants on. Mom is setting up the sewing room for Lynette and Ethan to stay in. And if she is still living here when October rolls around she will be moving into Julie's old room up stairs. 

My friend Josh and i decided we are going back to school. I'm not sure if we are going to start this semester or next semester. We're just going to get our generals done. I've decided after that i am going to school for Geology. I'm not exactly sure what i want to do with my degree i just know for sure that i want to do something with Geology. I've debated becoming a Geology Teacher. We have 2 geologists in the family and i plan on becoming a third. I'm really nervous about student loans and all that. But i know i can make it work.

As for my depression, i've had a lot of ups and downs. Mostly downs. But i'm still pushing. 

Now comes time for pictures. 

I got a tattoo in June. It's the logo of Rise Against. A punk band that's made a huge influence on my life. Their song Give it All got me through high school. They're my heros. Their logo means 'fight for what you love'. 

I saw them live on July 8th. at Van's Warped tour. So here's a bunch of pictures from that. I saw Rise Against, Lost in Society, Senses Fail, All Time Low, Taking Back Sunday, A Funeral Party and a few others. Julie was so hot and crabby we almost left at 2. It was 90 all day. 

Buddy from Senses Fail

More of Buddy

Addam of Taking Back Sunday

 a crowd surfer during All Time Low

Zach and Tim of Rise Against

Tim looking directly at me. 

i also went and saw Rammstein last may. They're a band from Germany. I never expected that i would be lucky enough to see them live without going to Europe. Most of their songs are in German. They're an awesome metal band. There was so much sparks, fire and explosions during the show. It got pretty warm in there. I was lucky enough to be pretty close.  These pics were not taken by me, they were taken by my friend Natalie. I met her online and we started talking. We found out that we were both at the same concert. She's quickly becoming a very good friend of mine and i can talk to her about anything. She will be visiting soon and i can't wait to see her. 

This is Till, the lead singer and Flake the keyboardist in a big old pot. Till 'cooks' him in there. 

Paul Landers

This is Till Lindemann. I have a huge crush on him.

The rest of these pictures are just randoms. 

Amber and i

Jeri and i during her bachelorette party

So yeah. That's my life.

CAKE: It's story time.

I'm always thinking. Everyone's always thinking. Duh. But today i was thinking about the song Happy Birthday and it came to my attention that there was once a period in history that the song Happy Birthday didn't exist. I'm sure everyone else knew that. But it just kinda blew my mind. I wondered what they did at birthday parties... did they even have cake? Did they serve the cake on paper plates with plastic forks. Then all the sudden i thought of a time at a wedding an old lady yelled at me over paper plates, cake and plastic forks.

Ok, people. Story time.

When i was younger, maybe 11 or so, one of our family friends was getting married. I didn't really even know them. So we went to the reception, because weddings are boring as shit. I know some of you reading this were married once and i am here to tell you, that even though i wasn't there to witness your wedding ceremony that it was boring as hell.

Anyway. it was cake time. We all kinda got in line. Julie was ahead of me, like always. When it comes to lines, she is ALWAYS ahead of me. No matter what, she has to be first. When we were still riding the bus to school, she would always get on the bus first. I wanted nothing more than to get on the bus first. But she would never let me. One time i got to get on the bus first and that may have been one of the happiest days of my life.

ANY WAY.

So we are in line to get some cake. It came to the part where we grab a plate and get ready to be served with some scrumptious marble cake. Julie got her cake and ran off. Well, apparently, i accidentally grabbed 2 paper plates. We've all been there. When your paper plate is just too thin to carry the food you're about to eat so you have to grab 2. You're too damn lazy to wash dishes later, so you gotta do what you've gotta do. So, here i am with two plates. The old woman that was serving the cake got PISSED. She was so mad. She says 'Why do you have 2 plates? Do you need to get 2 pieces of cake? Why are you bringing cake to someone else, if they want cake they can get it them damn selves." I tried explaining to her that it was an accident. this was the first time in my life i ever saw a white haired lady mad. She was fuming mad! so she rips the plates from my hands angrily. Treating me as if those plates were made of diamonds and i was trying to steal them. She separates them and slams them down on the table. She gets 2 pieces of cake and pounds one piece on each plate, takes 2 plastic forks and stabs the cake (mind you, she nicely handed each for to everyone else) then handed me the plates and told me to get out of there.

I was terrified, i had never been yelled at by an old lady before, especially by one i didn't even know. And about something so stupid... i mean, seriously... plates. PLATES. PAPER PLATES.

So yeah, i got 2 pieces of cake out of the whole ordeal.

I've never been punished with cake since.

Susan wants a coffee table.

Lately my cousin and I have been talking a lot about traveling. He wants to explore the world, I just wanna discover stuff around me.

Moving hurts. When you travel you move a lot. Sounds like a lot of hurting to me.

But what about after I get my hip replacement?

The only places I would like to go are New Zealand, Alaska and Las Vegas. New Zealand because The Lord of the Rings was filmed there. Alaska because of... Well everything. It sounds like paradise. And Vegas because I like to party.

Today, Julie, Mike and I were watching The Price is Right because that show is the best ever. W discussed what we would do of we randomly acquired $10,000. I said that I would get a coffee table and an apartment. I dont know what's wrong with me that the first thing I said I would get is a coffee table... But I really want one. I got 'Gaga' which is a coffee table book about Lady Gaga and I need to be able to show it off. You would think that the first thing I would say is makeup or something. Nope. A coffee table.

Also, I just remembered. I need to go to Germany to get me a big tall buff German fella. Like till lindemann. He is just a fine piece of man. Google him. He is like 50 and hairy. My birthday is coming up. I would take him as a gift.

Just to clear some things up...

I am very lucky to have family and friends that care about me as much as they do, but i need to clear some stuff up.

It has come to my attention that the people around me suddenly think they are doctors.

Yesterday morning, i was pissed. I did everything i was taught when i was in the hospital to avoid a confrontation. I went down stairs, i did my makeup, i tried to calm down. It didn't really work but i gave it a shot. In the middle of me trying to do that, i get yelled at, being told i would do things that i never once said i would do. I made the joke "If i make anything for this party to eat it'll be grilled cheese" Meaning, in Susan language "I'm not cooking shit". I made a FB event for the party because that was the easiest way for me to do it. No one else was gonna do it, so i took it upon myself to do it. That was a mistake.

I was told that we needed help, so i got the help. But instead of a thank you, a huge tantrum was thrown. AGAIN. Doors were slammed AGAIN. And in this, i was yelled at for 'reverting' back to the way i was before i went to the hospital. This was the first time i have heard of this, this was quite possibly the worst time to bring it up, so i said so. after that, two doors were slammed and i yelled for the first time that day. Just one sentence. That was all i yelled.

I showed emotion yesterday, other than happiness or just a small bit of sadness. But apparently that isn't allowed because i was accused of not taking my pills, which happens every time i get even mildly upset. For the record, i have missed 2 doses since the beginning of January. Only two.

I was mad. But i put on a happy face because i knew that's what everyone wanted. People were starting to show up and i just wanted everyone to be happy. So i did. I did an amazing job.

Just because i am good at it, doesn't mean i like doing it. It doesn't mean i like to do it, it doesn't mean that it doesn't kill me inside.

This morning i asked a few friends if they thought i was over reacting because i am angry.

I got an answer i didn't expect. I was told i should go back to the hospital.

Ok, this is what caused me to write this.

I have bad days. Not bad months. I have days where i lose hope and i want to die. It lasts about 18 hours and happens again in a few days. Before i went to the hospital i had ten whole months where i was like that. Ten whole months. There was no change, other when i was manic. I have improved loads. I went from almost 300 days straight of feeling this way to maybe 18 hours about 7 or 8 times a month.

I'm not fine, ok. I am better. Not better as in the sense that i am completely ok, i am better in the sense that some days, i do actually want to get out of bed, somedays i do actually want to do things. Compared to how i was about a year ago i am a completely different person. You are not me, you do not know how i feel, you are not a doctor.

Right now i don't need to go back to the hospital. I will know when i need to.

How about when you think i am having a sucky time you ask a simple "Are you ok?" Not "you have reverted, you need to go back the the loony bin".

I am really mad at everyone, this all happened because i showed anger as an emotion. Are you aware of all the shit that was said to me before i finally yelled? A lot. I did a FANTASTIC job yesterday.

Again, thank you to everyone that cares about me. I love you for it. I appreciate it.

My day has been long. I woke up pretty early. Usually i sleep in if i don't have anything to do the next day. I went into the bathroom down here and stepped in a huge puddle of water. UGH.

We had a leaky pipe behind the toilet. It was small at first and then it just got worse and worse. We had a bucket there to catch it, i would empty it every few hours but to no avail. I woke up this morning and asked if it could be changed today. Little did i know that the whole damn pipe had to replaced. The water that leaked was clean, but i sprayed the floor with disinfectant any way.

Dad was coming up and down the stairs being all productive and what not so i decided that i should be too, i turned on some music and started to clean. He comes out and complains about my music choice, so i was nice and turned it down. Then he starts talking to me about setting up my kitchen and how i need to pack everything in the basement into boxes and sort them by category. He picks up random things and says "this goes in a tool box, this and this and this go in a tool box and this... i don't know what this is. This goes in a "What the fuck is this box"" I tried not to laugh.

I really did get a lot done, but i am almost never pleased with what i do so i don't really notice it. Julie got a lot done too for the little time she helped. I really appreciated her help.

Tomorrow i am going to my cousin Mike's house to make bread. That should be fun. I've only made bread once but that bread was amazing so i have high hopes for tomorrow. I have watched amber and mom make a lot of bread so i am pretty much a master baker.

I have decided i don't want to do therapy any more. I just don't like it. Now that i am reestablishing relationships with friends and making up with Mandy i really don't feel like i need to pay someone to be my friend for an hour to listen to the shit i am not even honest about. I just don't like it. I have given it a lot of thought. Therapy just does not work for me. I am forced to talk about things at a scheduled time. My emotions are anything but scheduled. No ones emotions are. Why should i have to wait to talk about it until Mondays at 12:30? Not going to happen. And when i get to therapy and i have all these things i have wanted to say i don't. Every time i get ready to go there i think "Yeah, i am really gonna let shit out this time. This is going to be a groundbreaking moment in my recovery. I am going to walk out feeling much much better. It's gonna be great" Nope, never is. I come out feeling worse than i did when i went in.

Honestly, i hated my last therapist. I once brought up how when i drink, which i don't do often any more, i sometimes lose my bananas and drink till i am passed out and blah blah blah. And she tells me i should go to AA with my dad. And i told her i don't want to. I don't feel comfortable with it. But every single time i was in there she would bring it up and tell me i should go to AA. It just really pissed me off because i am aware that there is a lot of addiction in my family. I know that, so i avoid those situations. I probably sound like every other alcoholic in denial. I'm sure.

I am going to continue to see Lia because i like her. I will only be seeing her for a couple months though. She is the one who comes to my house. I don't feel like she listens to me because she is obligated to. I feel she is really into what she is doing.

I have given this whole therapy thing a really good go and i would appreciate it if no one really said anything to try to deter me with the whole "Depression is better controlled with medication and therapy" stuff. It doesn't work for me. I gave it a try, time to find something new.

So yeah, there's that.