I am very lucky to have family and friends that care about me as much as they do, but i need to clear some stuff up.
It has come to my attention that the people around me suddenly think they are doctors.
Yesterday morning, i was pissed. I did everything i was taught when i was in the hospital to avoid a confrontation. I went down stairs, i did my makeup, i tried to calm down. It didn't really work but i gave it a shot. In the middle of me trying to do that, i get yelled at, being told i would do things that i never once said i would do. I made the joke "If i make anything for this party to eat it'll be grilled cheese" Meaning, in Susan language "I'm not cooking shit". I made a FB event for the party because that was the easiest way for me to do it. No one else was gonna do it, so i took it upon myself to do it. That was a mistake.
I was told that we needed help, so i got the help. But instead of a thank you, a huge tantrum was thrown. AGAIN. Doors were slammed AGAIN. And in this, i was yelled at for 'reverting' back to the way i was before i went to the hospital. This was the first time i have heard of this, this was quite possibly the worst time to bring it up, so i said so. after that, two doors were slammed and i yelled for the first time that day. Just one sentence. That was all i yelled.
I showed emotion yesterday, other than happiness or just a small bit of sadness. But apparently that isn't allowed because i was accused of not taking my pills, which happens every time i get even mildly upset. For the record, i have missed 2 doses since the beginning of January. Only two.
I was mad. But i put on a happy face because i knew that's what everyone wanted. People were starting to show up and i just wanted everyone to be happy. So i did. I did an amazing job.
Just because i am good at it, doesn't mean i like doing it. It doesn't mean i like to do it, it doesn't mean that it doesn't kill me inside.
This morning i asked a few friends if they thought i was over reacting because i am angry.
I got an answer i didn't expect. I was told i should go back to the hospital.
Ok, this is what caused me to write this.
I have bad days. Not bad months. I have days where i lose hope and i want to die. It lasts about 18 hours and happens again in a few days. Before i went to the hospital i had ten whole months where i was like that. Ten whole months. There was no change, other when i was manic. I have improved loads. I went from almost 300 days straight of feeling this way to maybe 18 hours about 7 or 8 times a month.
I'm not fine, ok. I am better. Not better as in the sense that i am completely ok, i am better in the sense that some days, i do actually want to get out of bed, somedays i do actually want to do things. Compared to how i was about a year ago i am a completely different person. You are not me, you do not know how i feel, you are not a doctor.
Right now i don't need to go back to the hospital. I will know when i need to.
How about when you think i am having a sucky time you ask a simple "Are you ok?" Not "you have reverted, you need to go back the the loony bin".
I am really mad at everyone, this all happened because i showed anger as an emotion. Are you aware of all the shit that was said to me before i finally yelled? A lot. I did a FANTASTIC job yesterday.
Again, thank you to everyone that cares about me. I love you for it. I appreciate it.
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