This nurse....

Tonight I am mad.

I am so god damned sick of this place. Yeah, I get it. I need the help, blah blah blah. I need to yell at someone is what I need. And not online. Verbally.

Why?
They took my headphones. I've Had them since Wednesday. Why do I get them taken now? Because I may hang myself or someone else will.

Ok. First off, paitents aren't allowed in rooms with eachother. Do you REALLY fucking think that someone who is here on their own free will is going to come in my room (between the 15 minute checks and constant supervision) find my headphones and hang themselves?

What some of these people don't understand is that I have a thing called suicide idealations. I constantly fantasize about killing myself. Do I ever harm myself? Rarely. Sometimes I Rip my skin off. Sometimes I pull out my eyelashes. I never use my headphones and try to hang myself.

Have these people noticed how fat I am? How is a 5'2 woman who wears a size 24 going to hang herself? These cords will hold 30 pounds at most.

Last night, you know what they gave me? A machine with a 10 foot cord. A thick cord. That plugs into the wall. It wa a sleep apnea test. I had it overnight. Hmmm, sounds pretty fucking fishy doesn't it??

Then, they take anything that has glass. Most my makeup has glass. There's glass everywhere here!!! The windows, the mirrors. I had a knife with dinner!!!

I can't have 2 25mg benadryl pills. I can only have one. I am getting a huge headache. Borderline migraine. They can't give me anything. I have to talk to my dr in the morning.

Seriously.

They know I have no interest in harming myself or killing myself.

I'm a level C. That means I can leave tomorrow If I want. But I can't have head phones.

I am so angry!!!!

Why wasn't I told this that I can only have them certain hours of the day? I suppose that was another thing lost in translation, like the q-tips I asked for at 6. Oh, and that workbook I wanted. And the DVDs.

Here all therapy is done in Groups. I can't go to group because I have a different thing than everyone else. So I do all my therapy by myself. I could do this bullshit at home.

Some of the staff here I really like. Others should just work somewhere else. A nurse here today told me that she may not be depressed or bipolar but she's worked here for a year so she knows how it is. I told her she has no idea how it is. At all. If you had a brain in your fucking head you wouldn't say that to a bunch of people who have lost control on their depression.

Needless to say, i need to work on my anger skills I worked on today. Oh, I forgot. I can't because they fucking took the DVD and the DVD player because I may kill myself.

This stupid nurse.... I don't know who she is or her name. But I hate her.

I want help. I don't want to be a prisoner. This place is a waste of fucking time after your fifth day.