I'm Being Commited & a Shower From Hell.

Today i had a really tough day. I just wanted to take a nice relaxing shower.

My depression has been awful lately. This isn't news to anyone who sees me regularily. It probably wasn't noticed to anyone who has met me in the past 6 months. This isn't how i am.

Well, for those of you who don't know how i've been, this is how it is.

Suicide. Suicide. Suicide.
I fantasize about it. All day. Am i actually gonna do it? No. I love myself too much. That doesn't mean i don't think about it. Every single day. It's become so normal. Like a new pair of shoes: once you wear them a bit, you get used to them. It's the same with suicide, not only suicide, but depression. It's normal. Soon, the shoes become worn out and you get new ones. You can't just throw out depression. You need help.

My personal hygiene. I have none. I think that in order to be healthy, you need to live in a little 'dirt'. I don't live in 'dirt'. I'm fucking filthy. I shower once a week. If that. When i shower, i change my clothes. I just don't have the energy to shower or change my clothes. Since i stopped daycare, things have gotten worse with my hygiene. Then i showered about 3 times a week. Changed my clothes every day. Sometimes i forgot, hey that happens. When packing clothes i didn't know what to pack. The clothes i packed would last me a month. I don't know how normal people dress, change their clothes or clean. It's been so long. I mean, i know you wear different clothes every day. But isn't that wasteful? There's so much water used to wash a batch of laundry. What's the point.

When you're depressed, something as simple to a 'normal' person as changing their clothes....it's a task. It requires a lot of energy. Energy you don't have. I look at changing my clothes or showering like i used to look at cleaning my room. A room that hasn't been cleaned in weeks. I look at cleaning my room like i have to climb Mount Everest in 3 hours.

All i wanna do is sleep. I'm so tired all the time!

There's so much more, but i just simply don't have the energy to type it, because i know i have a lot more to type about my shower. Basically, i'm just falling apart at the emotional seams. It's tough. I am getting help...

So, we decided that i needed this. We packed all my stuff and headed out. It was exhausting.

We got down here and left right away for the ER. I was admitted to the ER at 3. I was there WAITING until 7. Then i was told that i would be admitted in a few days.

so we came back home and i offered to make dinner, but amber decided that i could do laundry instead. Something i haven't done in a long time. Then i sat around for a bit and talked with amber. They got my bed set up and everything.

I decided it was shower time. I got my shit together and then went in the bathroom and got naked. Once i took my stuff out of the bag i got in. THERE WAS A HUGE FUCKING SPIDER. I screamed. Amber asked what was wrong. I filled her in and told her. She offered to come kill it. I said no, i would wash it down the drain. I grabbed the shower head and turned the water on and proceeded to spray it. The fucker scurried his eight legged body to my feet. ass hole. I jump back as far as my crippled body and the confines of the tub allow. He crawls under the shower mat, i step on him. I smashed his quarter sized body to the size of a silver dollar. Gross. I wash it out and put the shower head back up.

Well, the shower head sprays the water in the direction of the curtain. This is weird. Then i realize: i must have broken it. I panic. I try to fix it. The only thing i can think to do is take it down and put it back up. It doesn't work. So i try to turn it around. I lose control of the shower head. Water goes everywhere. Shit.

I get it back up. Now the shower head is leaning in the other direction. fuck. I leave it alone. The damage is done. There's nothing i can do now.

I go about my shower. I wash my hair, then condition it. while i condition it i wash my body. I move to get the wash cloth and i relalize i'm standing in a foot of water. The drain is clogged.Uh oh. I wash my body off and some of the conditioner and get out. I put on my glasses and sit on the toilet. That's when i notice that the duct tape from the wart on my foot is missing. That's what is clogging the drain. SHIT.

I start looking in the water. I'm searching. I can't find it! I keep looking and looking. That's when i notice why the shower is not draining. The shower mat is covering the drain. So i lift it up the mat and let it drain. That's when i find my duct tape. Thank goodness, right? I move the mat back and start getting dressed. That's when i notice that the toilet paper is wet. Uh oh.

I clean up the floor and get dressed then go out to the living room. I tell amber about it and she's just laughing. She tells me the water thing is normal. And so is the floor being wet.

Jason goes in and goes to the bathroom five minutes later. He comes out and says "ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE AN OCEAN!!!!?" He explained that i not only got the floor covered in water, but the ceiling is wet too. Shiiiiit.

Now i'm going to bed. Tomorrow i plan on relaxing, playing video games and taking pictures. This is my 'vacation'.