That damn woman

Days here are pretty much the same. Today was worse than most. Lots of anxiety and lots of pain. There were a few times i cried, but not as much as i wanted to.

Apparently Ethan's step grandma doesn't think i should be allowed to watch him because i'm not 'stable'. Coming from any other person, i would be fine with it. Whatever. Only i know how i feel, and i have Ethan's best interest in heart. when i watched him, i took better care of him than i did myself. He was the reason i woke up, changed my clothes and showered. If i felt that i was not able to watch him, i wouldn't. That's why we're giving me a few more weeks before i start watching him again.

Now, the reason i am offended is because this woman is a liar and a drunk. She swears up and down that she has cancer. I don't believe it. Not to many people in my family do. In fact, i've heard my Grandma say things about her that i've never imagines my grandmother would say.

She told me that she has a master's in psychology. I am unsure about this, because if she did, she would know that what i have is the most treatable personality disorder. She says that i need intesive therapy and i should have been hospitalized longer.

The average stay at Generose is 6 or 7 days. I was there for 9. this isn't like the olden days when you go to the asylum for years on end. Or even months at a time. This is the 2011, god damn it. Things have changed.

I AM in intesive therapy. I start on May 4th, on my birthday. If i wasn't ready to get better, i sure as hell wouldn't go to therapy on my birthday.

The fact she would criticize me just pisses me off. Saying that i'm not stable. She is a damn drunk! All she does is sit chain smoke and drink. She is ALWAYS drunk. Now, does that sound stable to you!?

When ethan is here, i am never alone for more than 15 minutes at a time. I love him. I'm not going to allow anything bad to happen to him. When he's here i am always paying 100% of my attention to him and only him. Nothing bad ever happened to him while he was in my care.

So this raises the question. I've been on a steady downward spiral since June of 2010. The worst of which happened after Ethan was born, after hobo and sam died i completely lost all grip on reality.

Did anything bad happen to Ethan during the time i watched him? not one time. One time i dropped his bottle on his face while i was feeding him. that's it.

So, why would i be a danger to him now that i am better? Now that i am seeking help and recovering.


I'm not going to allow a drunk to criticize me.

But, part of my DBT says that i can't focus on her negativity. People are gonna think i'm crazy, unfit and unstable. Sure, at times i tottally am. But not when i am watching Ethan or at daycare!!

I've allowed this to get me down since i was told. But, now that i've written about it i'm over it. I used Radical Acceptance to realize i was being a negitve nancy.


I think everyone should look into some DBT. Seriously.