I've been sick since the morning of christmas eve. Throwing up, dry heaving, muscle spasms mixed with my regular hip pain... imagine having the regular pain i do from AVN mixed with the muscle aches from the flu. Especially getting up and down off the floor. I can't take pills, because i usually don't have enough food in my stumach. I haven't had my perscriptions in..several days. Because i know i can't keep it down. My birth control itself requires lots of food to be taken with it. So, the past few days have sucked.
Today, was supposed to be the Nelson Family Christmas dinner in Kerrick. But, grandpa has congfestive heart failure and landed himself in the hospital. So, it was canceled. I just leared today, as soon as i woke up, that Christmas Dinner was moved to New Years day.
I've had plans for new years day for over a month now. I wasn't excited for Christmas. I was excited to go to Milaca, to Josh and Karen's.
So, i'm in a pickle.
I haven't been to a friends house since Halloween. I have done nothing fun sice Halloween. You can probably understand why I'm so excited. I need to get out sometimes... you know? I have never been good at staying home for an extended period of time.
I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want to let myself down. I've been wanting to go to Josh and Karen's for a really long time...
I contacted Karen and we came up with a plan. I'll be home by noon Saturday morning. That means i have to be up at at least 9:30 in the morning. After new years. I can handle no sleep. I do it all the time. The sleep isn't something i'm worried about, it's more that Josh won't be getting any sleep. And He has to drive around 4 hours round trip...
This of course is not good enough for mom. She immediately starts yelling at me. Telling me that id i'm not home by 12:30 they're leaving without me. Then she says "Well, I was just hoping that MAYBE you'd want to see your Grandpa. This IS probably his LAST Christmas!".
Um, isn't that what i'm trying to do? Isn't that my objective? I'm trying to find a way to let nobody down here, and i still get this horrible guilt trip?
Maybe i'm making a big deal out of this. I don't know.
But i've probably had 1,500 calories since the 24th. Most of wich have been thrown up. And i'm killer emotional. I can't even take a joke any more. The crying isn't stopping. Neither is the paranoia. I'm confused and i'm rambeling.
Today, was supposed to be the Nelson Family Christmas dinner in Kerrick. But, grandpa has congfestive heart failure and landed himself in the hospital. So, it was canceled. I just leared today, as soon as i woke up, that Christmas Dinner was moved to New Years day.
I've had plans for new years day for over a month now. I wasn't excited for Christmas. I was excited to go to Milaca, to Josh and Karen's.
So, i'm in a pickle.
I haven't been to a friends house since Halloween. I have done nothing fun sice Halloween. You can probably understand why I'm so excited. I need to get out sometimes... you know? I have never been good at staying home for an extended period of time.
I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want to let myself down. I've been wanting to go to Josh and Karen's for a really long time...
I contacted Karen and we came up with a plan. I'll be home by noon Saturday morning. That means i have to be up at at least 9:30 in the morning. After new years. I can handle no sleep. I do it all the time. The sleep isn't something i'm worried about, it's more that Josh won't be getting any sleep. And He has to drive around 4 hours round trip...
This of course is not good enough for mom. She immediately starts yelling at me. Telling me that id i'm not home by 12:30 they're leaving without me. Then she says "Well, I was just hoping that MAYBE you'd want to see your Grandpa. This IS probably his LAST Christmas!".
Um, isn't that what i'm trying to do? Isn't that my objective? I'm trying to find a way to let nobody down here, and i still get this horrible guilt trip?
Maybe i'm making a big deal out of this. I don't know.
But i've probably had 1,500 calories since the 24th. Most of wich have been thrown up. And i'm killer emotional. I can't even take a joke any more. The crying isn't stopping. Neither is the paranoia. I'm confused and i'm rambeling.
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