Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder pt 1

I woke up this morning pretty energetic. I'm very excited to start my day. I dyed my hair, showered, ate, played with Cullen and danced like a monkey to Born This Way.

Then, i started reading a book amber checked out called Understanding and Treating Borderline Personality Disorder. It was pretty interesting. I'm only going to read the first chapter today.

Well, reading about my condition, and understanding it really helps. I want to know a lot about it, and be self aware. If you aren't self aware or you deny it, it will only get worse.

Borderline Personality Disorder was first discovered 60 years ago. This isn't a new thing. It mostly affects women.

The word "borderline" is what has always confused me. This book describes it perfectly. Basically, you're on the border of Neurotic and Psychotic. That sounds scary. So i looked up Nerotic.

...anxiety, sadness or depression, anger, irritability, mental confusion, low sense of self-worth, etc., behavioral symptoms such as phobic avoidance, vigilance, impulsive and compulsive acts, lethargy, etc., cognitive problems such as unpleasant or disturbing thoughts, repetition of thoughts and obsession, habitual fantasizing, negativity and cynicism, etc. Interpersonally, neurosis involves dependency, aggressiveness, perfectionism, schizoid isolation, socio-culturally inappropriate behaviors, etc

Well, shit. That's me. I'm impulsive, lethargic, depressed, irritable, confused, my self esteem is all over the place, i fantasize all the time...I'm agressive, and cynical...

Then i looked up Psychotic.

abnormal condition of the mind, and is a generic psychiatric term for a mental state often described as involving a "loss of contact with reality". People suffering from psychosis are described as psychotic. Psychosis is given to the more severe forms of psychiatric disorder, during which hallucinations and delusions and impaired insight may occur.

Now, that's not so much me.I do lose contact with reality at times. I do hallucinate.... but i wouldn't say i'm psychotic.

These are the criteria of diagnosing someone with BDP

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

Well, let's start at 1. avoiding abandonment.

My whole life, i've always felt that people were nice to me because they felt sorry for me. I'm serious. I always told myself that no one really loved me.... Now, i'm learning the opposite. It's so much different. It's really hard getting a grip on it.... Yesterday when Cliff, Lynette, Ethan, and Julie surprised me... i just knew that i've been wrong. People do love me. And i'm starting to cry just thinking about it. Moving on.

2. Intense, unstable relationships. Ummm, do i even need to describe this?

3. Identity disturbance. Some days i hate myself, other days i LOVE myself. That's how i got the "Insecure Narcassist". I'm either hating myself, i cover my mirrors and i don't look at myself. OR, i don't stop staring at myself in the mirror.

4. Impulses. Binge eating, sex, you know that stuff.

5. Re-current suicidal behavior. well, i fantasize about dying every single day. I don't act on it. I thought it was normal, that everyone did it. I wasn't alarmed at all. Turns out, that's not good.

6.Rapid moods. I get mad, it only lasts a little while. I get happy, it only lasts a little while....

7. chronic feeling of emptiness. This is why i ate so much.... By the way, ive lost another 3 pounds.

8. Innapropriate anger... ask my mom and sisters about that one!

Well, that's pretty much me. It's scary. But, it isn't as scary now as it was when i was first diagnosed.